Friday, July 16, 2021

#535. Welcome Noem

Howdy!  Here's my latest, and easily most ambitious parody, of South Dakota Republican Governor Kristi Noem.  

Ride 'em cowgirl! 

Seeing Noem, waving the stars and stripes, galloping on a horsey...  Well, it evokes a tangential image of Kristi Noem opening up a packet of Horsey sauce from Arby's.  And smearing it all over her own face.  Obviously this would simulate Kristi Noem delivering the goods as a porn star.  You know, finishing off a scene with the traditional cum shot to the face.  Hey, she's certainly one of the hotter midwest governors.  I'll give her that.

Then again, her closest competition is fellow Republican Kansas Governor Laura Kelly.

But I digress.

In other news, I seriously doubt anyone has ever tried to rip off King Diamond's "Welcome Home" better known as simply "Grandma."  

Just for the recod, I've written a slew of Noem parodies. 

Noem Sweet Noem: (Motley Crue --- Home Sweet Home)

Cumming Noem: (Scorpions --- Coming Home)

Sweet Noem South Dakota: (Lynyrd Skynyrd --- Sweet Home Alabama)

Who Says You Can't Blow Noem: (Bon Jovi --- Who Says You Can't Go Home)

Noem: (Daughtry --- Home)

Can't Stand Kristi Noem: (Blind Faith --- Can't Find My Way Home)

Fuck The Leech:  (Jane's Addiction --- Up The Beach)

Welcome Noem Planetarium: (Metallica --- Welcome Home Sanitarium)

Just one more Noem parody equals ten Noem parodies.  Now that is a valid achievement of some sort.  But I'm not exactly sure what.


Welcome Noem

Guv’ner Kristi Noem
You are
A cunt that smells so wrong
Pre-filled with cream, an anal attack

I wonder why you do not care
I wonder why, stop the steal

Guv’nor you’re a kook
Donald lived in the White House and
Was an Orange Ass goon
And First Lady Melania’s a whore

I wonder why you do not care
I wonder why, stop the steal

You have inspired doom and it was
We just wish you were dead, filled up with
It’s not as if you would care ‘cause
You’re the Orange Prolapsin’ clown

I wonder why you do not care
Jared Kushner’s fucking a Jew,
With a small dong

V.P. and Mother, they know that Jesus was
A Jew.
How strange, he is not a turd
Where is the Guv’nor?
Why won’t she fight?

Guv’nor are you a dyke you don’t know what’s
Wrong from what’s right
Oh I hate to sound terse but
The nights I have cried
In your asshole they came all the gang
Bangs you tried
Guv’nor are you gay
Never mind you fucking piece of crap

We hope Trump will die, fake king and
His crimes
But he’s still alive, what’s between
His thighs
What’s between his thighs
Now that you’re still fucking me Orange
Prolapse ’til the end


Welcome Home
King Diamond

Grandma' welcome home
You have
Been gone for far too long
Is this a dream, are You really back?

Let me help You out of the chair
Let me touch You, let me feel

Grandma' take a look
What do You think of the house and
The silvery moon?
We are going to repaint the front door

Let me help You out of the chair
Let me touch You, let me feel

Wait till You see Your room up in the
Prepared just like You said, without a
You will find Your rocking chair and
The tea pot that Missy found

Let me help You out of the chair
There is someone waiting for You,
Now come along

Missy and Mother, they are dying to
Meet You
How strange, she's spoken no word
I wonder Grandma!
Are You all right?

Grandma' what was it like to be on
That holiday site
"Oh it could have been worse but
With "them" by my side
In the twilight "they" sang all the old
Grandma' who are "they"
"Never mind You dirty little brat"

"Let us go inside, something's on
"Their" mind
"They" are still alive, can You feel
"Their" eyes
Can You feel "their" eyes?
Now that You are stuck with me You
Better be my friend. 




King Diamond:

8-24-88, Bogart's, Cincinnati, OH (The stage manager, "Ole Bang", tried to seduce me backstage.  No joke, that's his real name.  And yeah, he did.  Totally fucked up.  Very creepy in retrospect.  Flotsam and Jetsam opened.)

Unsure of the exact date in 1989, Bogart's, Cincinnati, OH  (I searched on it and it's as if this particular concert has been deleted from the history of rock'n'roll.  I saw some lanky dude get killed during the opening act (Armored Saint).  Maybe during "Chemical Euphoria."  He took a karate kick to the chest on the outer periphery of the pit.  I'm assuming he died from cardiac arrest.  Assailant just vanished.  I was in the parking lot about to be interviewed by the local news and someone came running up to the female reporter and said, "The King is gonna speak.  He's gonna issue a statement"  Her and the camera guy ditched me and headed into the Bogart's back door entrance.

11-28-89, South Hills Theater, Pittsburgh, PA (As the show ended, I'll never forget the crowd's reaction.  Utter disbelief.  Total silence.  The house lights kicked on as Grandma met her demise.  You could've heard a pin drop.)

10-19-14, Stage AE, Pittsburgh, PA

7-8-15, First Niagara Pavilion, Burgettstown, PA (co-headlined with Slayer)

11-23-15, Stage AE, Pittsburgh, PA


Who the hell goes to 3 King Diamond concerts during the span of barely over a year?  Me I guess.  How does such an option even remotely exist?

Probably not a lot of King Diamond parodies hitting the collective shelving of the internet.  Consider this one the first.

Please do not share this information with Governor Kristi Noem (R-SD).

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