Saturday, October 29, 2022

#1514. Acrisure

The new "ACRISURE" sign went up this week.  Looks great!

Great!  As in great lakes.

Whatever.  Here's the real scoop.  Okay, so billionaire movie producer Thomas Tull bought the stadium naming rights over the summer.  Rumored to be in the realm of $150 million for 15 years.  Tull currently owns 16% of the Steelers organization and is the founding "sugar honky" of Acrisure... a Michigan-based insurance, asset management, and cybersecurity company with a reported 3 billion in total revenue (2021).  


Cyber?  Yeah, right!  Gimme a fucking break.

Long story short... Tull's been cheating on his wife.

Thomas & Alba Tull

He's been having a decades long affair with a woman who lives in Morningside, just up the hill from trendy Lawrenceville.  My partner Mason actually knows the woman.  We'll call her "L."  This woman even moved to Los Angeles just to be near him.  Tull and his wife used to live in Thousand Oaks, a ritzy area west of L.A.

Anyhoo, L confided in Mason... that Thomas Tull is scared shitless.  He's worried that his 100+ million dollar stadium naming rights deal will be mocked as the biggest blunder in the history of sports branding/marketing.  

Why?  Because he's afraid all the local yinzers are gonna start calling the place Acrid Turd Stadium

Why?  Because the Steelers stink! 

Totally insane, eh?  And he just had the new signs put up.  Apparently, Tull is considering unloading the naming rights to UPMC... for pennies on the dollar.   Mostly because he's terrified that the good name of his insurance company will be, "unduly and irrevocably tarnished."  WTF?!?  

Think about it.  Who on earth would seek investment advice from a company called Acrid Turd?  

Probably a good idea to bail early.  As opposed to having the stench linger for over a decade.

So yeah, Tull is looking to dump the naming rights early next month.  Probably when the Steelers are on their bye week and all the attention is focused on the heated mid-term election results.  Seems to me like a flailing, desperate attempt to avoid internet and media scrutiny.  Sad! 

In a slightly less interesting development, here's a seemingly prophetic Trump Dump from the Fort Duquesne Bridge this afternoon.



Overlooking the newly christened Acrisure Stadium.

Need an additional perspective? 

A view that never gets old.



The Steelers play at Acrisure
The team is a disgrace
Their offense offensive to me
Their defense lacking any “D”

The Steelers play at Acrisure
The team is a disgrace
Their offense offensive to me
Their defense lacking any “D”

The Steelers play at Acrisure
The Steelers play at Acrisure
Play at Acrisure
Play at Acrisure
Play at Acrisure



How could I be so immature
To think he could replace
The missing elements in me?
How extremely lazy of me

How could I be so immature
To think he could replace
The missing elements in me?
How extremely lazy of me

How could I be so immature?
How could I be so immature?
Be so immature
Be so immature
Be so immature

Damn!  This could very well be the worst song I've ever parodied.  Talk about meh.  And my parody is even worse than the original.  But both song are worse than the Steelers.  That's assuming you're intrigued by asymmetric analogies.  

So where does that leave us heading into a road match up against the Eagles (-10.5) this Sunday?  

I dunno, you tell me.

Eagles 27

Steelers 13

Hey, there's good and there's not good.

This is not good.

Case closed.

Bjork has never been to the Burgh.   I suppose I can live with that.

Can't say the same for that anti-black swan who was forced to make the ultimate sacrifice.... for an Oscar or Grammy or Roast Duck Choice Award or whatever.  Hey we recently got take out.  A bunch of appetizers from The Parlor Dim Sum in Lawrenceville.  Highly recommended.

The Big Lie 100: (#689)

#1417.  Crudite Mode (Holiday Road --- Lindsey Buckingham)

#1418.  Wants Crudite (So Far Away --- Dire Straits)

#1419.  The Crudite (Not Fade Away --- Grateful Dead)

#1420.  Crudite Din (Holiday Inn --- Elton John)
#1421.  Tiffany Smiley (Baba O'Riley --- Grateful Dead)

#1422.  Markwayne (Cocaine --- Eric Clapton)
#1423.  Coco Elaine (Hello Again --- The Cars)
#1424.  Ill Campaigns (Still Remains --- Stone Temple Pilots)
#1425.  Crudite (Yesterday --- Paul McCartney)
#1426.  Roe Roe Roe Your Vote (Row Row Row Your Vote --- Ella Fitzgerald)
#1427.  Tate Reeves (Governor Blows) (Believe (Nobody Knows) --- My Morning Jacket)
#1428.  Eatin' Crudite (Surfin' U.S.A. --- Beach Boys)
#1429.  Mrs. Smiley (Mr. Smiley --- Poison)
#1430.  Mitch McConnell (Old MacDonald --- Unknown)
#1431.  Master Is Special (Master Of Puppets --- Metallica) 

#1432.  Crudite (Holiday --- Bee Gees)
#1433.  Fucked Up Ass Blake Masters (Fabulous Disaster --- Exodus)
#1434.  Mrs. Smiley (Mr. Crowley --- Ozzy Osbourne)
#1435.  Talk To Mark Meadows (Walk In The Shadows --- Queensryche)
#1436. Chris Kice (The Price -- Twisted Sister)

#1437.  Crudite (Stay Away --- Nirvana)

#1438.  Crudite (New Year's Day --- U2)

#1439.  One More Crudite Bite (One More Saturday Night --- Grateful Dead)

#1440.  The Crudite's Bad (The Crudite) (Don't Go Away Mad (Just Go Away) --- Motley Crue)

#1441.  Crudite (Say Say Say --- Paul McCartney & Michael Jackson)

#1442.  That Donald Trump Is... (All In The Name Of... Motley Crue)

#1443.  Comer Isn't Very Smart (Owner Of A Lonely Heart --- Yes)

#1444.  Mehmet Oz (Just Because --- Jane's Addiction)

#1445.  A Piece Of Shit From The Start (Total Eclipse Of The Heart --- Bonnie Tyler)

#1446.  J.D. (Lady --- Styx)

#1447.  J.D. Vance (My Romance --- Carly Simon)

#1448.  Donald Trump's Hair (Ya Mo B There --- Michael McDonald)

#1449.  Dixon, Tudor (Touch My Tooter --- Ween)

#1450.  J.D. (Lady --- Little River Band)

#1451.  J.D. Is Gay (Lay Lady Lay --- Bob Dylan)

#1452.  Tudor Dixon (Superstition --- Stevie Wonder)

#1453.  Richard Woods (Harry Hood --- Phish)

#1454.  Woods (Would --- Alice In Chains)

#1455.  Ted Budd (Blackbird --- The Beatles)

#1456.  Budd Is Far Right (Bloody Well Right --- Supertramp)

#1457.  Trump's Strange (La Grange --- ZZ Top)

#1458.  Ashley Kalus (Brokedown Palace --- Grateful Dead)

#1459.  Hung Cao (Right Now --- Van Halen)

#1460.  Hung Cao (Black Cow --- Steely Dan)

#1461.  Scott Jensen (Confusion --- Electric Light Orchestra)

#1462.  Meet Mehmet (Meet The Mets --- Ruth Roberts & Bill Katz)

#1463.  Bolduc (Holed Up --- The Raconteurs)

#1464.  Bolduc's Fucked up (Hold Your Head Up --- Argent)

#1465.  Vance Is A Cunt (Eminence Front --- The Who)

#1466.  Oh Mike Lindell (The First Noel --- Brian Wilson)

#1467.  A Fucking Assclown (The Final Countdown --- Europe)

#1468.  Kim Jong Un Will Fight (Afternoon Delight --- Starland Vocal Band)

#1469.  Majewski's Outta Line (Nobody's Fault But Mine --- Led Zeppelin)

#1470.  I Guess That's Why They Call Him A Jew (I Guess That's Why They Call It The Blues --- Elton John)

#1471.  Crudite Plate (Runaway Train --- Soul Asylum)

#1472.  Roger Stone (Danger Zone --- Kenny Loggins)

#1473.  Roger Stone (Danger Zone --- The Ramones)

#1474.  Laxalt (Asshole --- Tom Petty)

#1475.  Trump Is A Bitch (Under The Bridge --- Red Hot Chili Peppers)

#1476.  Mark Meadows Loves Gay Porn (Every Rose Has A Thorn --- Poison)

#1477.  Kim Jong's Illin' (You Be Illin' --- Run DMC)

#1478.  Bad Roger Stone (Bad To The Bone --- George Thorogood & The Destroyers)

#1479.  Burt (Hurt --- Nine Inch Nails)

#1480.  Pate Is A Geek (Eight Days A Week --- The Beatles)

#1481.  Poor Sandy Smith (Poor Ellen Smith --- Billy Strings)

#1482.  Laxalt (Blackout --- Scorpions)

#1483.  Steve J. Scalise (Karma Police --- Radiohead)

#1484. Steve Scalise (Dream Police --- Cheap Trick)

#1485.  Teddy Cruz (Boggie Shoes --- KC & The Sunshine Band)

#1486. Ronchetti (Black Betty --- Metal Church)

#1487.  Joe O'Dea (Day By Day --- The Hooters)

#1488.  Tommy Tuberville (A View To A Kill --- Duran Duran) 

#1489.  Fuck You Trumpers (All You Zombies --- The Hooters)

#1490.  A. Biggs (War Pigs --- Black Sabbath)

#1491.  Rubio Ga Ga (Radio Ga Ga --- Queen)

#1492.  Moran (Old Man --- Neil Young)

#1493.  Trump's A Liar (Ring Of Fire --- Johnny Cash)

#1494.  Why Does Ivanka Blow (Where Do The Children Go --- The Hooters)

#1495.  Why Why, Gay Gay (Chris Sununu) (My My, Hey Hey (Out Of The Blue) --- Neil Young)

#1496.  Tonight Ivanka Masturbates For You (Tonight I Want To Celebrate With You --- My Morning Jacket)

#1497.  Marco A. Rubio (Turn Up The Radio --- Autograph)

#1498.  Tshibaka (Fuck You) (Axilla (Part II --- Phish)

#1499.  Sinning (Winning --- Santana)

#1500.  Nunes (Jane Says --- Jane's Addiction)

#1501.  (We Don't Want No) Kenneth Paxton (I Can't Get No) Satisfaction --- Rolling Stones)

#1502.  Asshole In Trump Tower... Stinking (Standing In The Shower... Thinking --- Jane's Addiction)

#1503.  Fuck Cooper (The Trooper --- Iron Maiden)

#1504.  Ganahl (Crank Call --- Billy Idol)

#1505.  Bannon (Love Gun --- Kiss)

#1506.  Marco Rubio's A Clown And A Retard (Me And Julio Down By The Schoolyard --- Paul Simon)

#1507.  Paul LePage (Turn The Page --- Bob Seger)

#1508.  The Donald Is Orange Not White (We Only Come Out At Night --- Smashing Pumpkins)

#1509.  Cindy Kirk (Dirty Work --- Steely Dan)

#1510.  Strong And His Mouth (Song Of The South --- Alabama)

#1511.  Clarence Thomas (Mr. Crowley --- Ozzy Osbourne)

#1512.  Jim Marchant (Ants Marching --- Dave Matthews Band)

#1513.  Adam Hinojosa (Champagne Supernova --- Oasis)

#1514.  Acrisure (Immature --- Bjork)


Please do not share this material with Thomas Tull, Alba Tull, Art Rooney II, and/or former President Donald J. Trump.



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